I'm not strong...

I must have received 20 or more personal inbox messages from loving friends and family implying that Dale and I are just "such strong people." While I find that to be quite a fine compliment, I must admit, it feels dishonest to knowingly allow people to believe this about either Dale or myself. It's really been on my heart lately to share this with anyone who cares to read my blog, so now that I have a quiet afternoon, I thought I'd do that..

For anyone who knows me well, you know that I am anything but "strong" on my own. I am one exceptionally weak, weary, and broken human being, often overwhelmed and shattered by the ups and downs of life. The fact that I am even still here standing after the loss of Lilianna is a testimony to the awesome strength and power of GOD alone. I tell you most emphatically, that apart from Christ, I am nothing. Anything I attempt to do on my own ultimately fails, and without relying on Jesus to direct my path, I will make a mess of things more quickly than I even know what to do.  When I try to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, I fall flat on my face, every.single.time.  And I confess this to you ever so humbly, as a person who has learned this the hard way, and has to relearn daily, that I can accomplish nothing on my own. The only strength in me is the Jesus in me, and the only thing that "I" will ever get right in this life is of no credit to "me", but rather to absolute and total reliance on Jesus Christ to lead me on.  I'm not sitting in church every Sunday because I have it together.  I am sitting there because I have absolutely nothing together, and I am utterly and totally desperate for Christ.  My heart is broken, my hands are empty, and I have nothing to offer.  I need to be there, because all of my heart and soul cries out for the one and only Healer and Comforter of this devestating pain. Please don't let me fool you. I have a knack for making things appear quite lovely and beautiful on the outside. But the Lord sees straight to my heart, and trust me, it's not a pretty sight. I am so broken. I am NOT strong. But I serve the STRONGEST God, and He is MIGHTY to SAVE. I cling to HIM, the CONQUERER of death, and what HE has accomplished. Then "I can do all this, through HIM who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). All the glory to the LORD alone, forever!

Lilianna Rose, I am missing you every single day, my sweet, sweet girl. Not an hour goes by that I don't remember you and cherish that memory. My heart still breaks a little bit when I hear someone speak your name. I still stop to touch your pictures when I pass them by, and sometimes even trace the outline of your sweet little face. And at times I feel like it hurts now more than ever, as I watch other people "moving on" with their lives. I still have dangerously irrational and paranoid bouts of emotion as I imagine that people will forget about your little (but BIG) life, or whenever I perceive someone or something as a threat to the truth that I so desperately cling to. You are SO INCREDIBLY LOVED by your mommy, Lilianna Rose! But all my trust is in the God of hope, Who holds you now, and Who holds my heart in His hands. That is how I put one foot in front of the other, walking by faith and HOPE in the Lord alone, the only thing I have to go by. I love you, my beautiful, precious daughter, and the One who made you, my perfect gift from heaven.  Mommy misses you SO much!  Praising God that I don't HAVE TO BE strong, because HE IS! 

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I thank God everytime I remember you.

A Blessed Journey.

I have been writing this blog mentally for weeks now, as I have continuously been blown away by the people the Lord has placed in our life as we've walked through this journey.  At a time when others might run in the opposite direction (rather than dealing with something SO heavy and uncomfortable), what we have experienced here has given us such a sweet taste of what it feels like to be a part of the body of Christ when tragedy strikes.  We have been so embraced, lifted up, rallied around, loved on, supported, blessed, and served.  I will admit that this is very new to me and it is SO humbling. 

Life experience had led me to believe that most people do not really want to serve others..or at least not when it "costs" them in any way..and especially without wanting recognition or expecting anything in return.  Just selfless giving of time, money, and resources?  Apparently, the Lord wanted to teach me a thing or two about what I thought I knew about people.

Our hearts have been so touched by the outpouring of support our family has received.  Since finding out Lily's diagnosis, our small group has gone SO far above and beyond what I ever could have imagined.  As if I needed any further proof of God's love for me, these are the people He has orchestrated into my life at such a time as this- the most servant hearted, Christ-like people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. They are truly faith in action.  Just thinking about it, and the tears are already flowing. While still pregnant with our Lily girl, they sent us to a beautiful Bed and Breakfast in Salado for some much needed quality time with Lily in my belly.  They volunteered to babysit for date nights and doctor appointments.  In fact, I never once had to arrange for a sitter.  I gave Allison the list of my appointments, and she coordinated a "Care Calendar" for the members of our small group, who would sign up to take care of the need.  They prayed. And prayed. And prayed.  After Lily was born, they brought meals to our family for weeks.  They have asked about my daughter, wanted to hear about her and see pictures..and I can't think of anything that touches me more deeply than that. 

Allison has been daily encouragement and inspiration to me.  I have never in my life met someone who so literally LIVES to SERVE.  The love of the Lord is constantly revealed to me through her, and I am just so, so thankful for the blessing that she has been.  I do not want to imagine what this journey might have looked like for me had it not been for her.  When end of life preparations were too overwhelming for me, Allison took on that responsibility for us. She planned and executed the most beautiful memorial service to honor my baby girl, down to the sweetest and most personal little touches and details.  She has truly entered into this pain with me, and carried the burden of this grief as if it were her own.  She has let me be completely bare and vulnerable in front of her..watched me fall apart and go through so many uncomfortable emotions. 

I am just so overcome with gratitude that God did not want me to walk through this alone.  I am so thankful that He sent this friend. 

Love and support has also come in some unconventional ways.  A few years ago I become part of an online group of mothers through an Internet forum called Cafemom.  They have been through so much with me over the years, despite the fact that we've never had the opportunity to meet face to face.  When military life left me feeling very isolated and alone, these beautiful and godly women were there to share tears and joy, to celebrate with me and to let me vent.  They have been mentors and faithful friends..offering their wisdom and ministering to my heart during periods of struggle and brokenness.  Before doctor appointments they called and asked if they could pray with me over the phone.  Several girls from the group chipped in to send me a garden stone and engraved necklace with "Lilianna Rose" on one side, and "2 Corinthians 1:3-4" engraved on the other side.  They had no way of knowing at the time how significant this verse is to me:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

And for every single person who took that moment to send me a message on Facebook, what a blessing you are.  I know I have not personally written back to each and every one of you, but I can't even begin to tell you how much it has meant to hear from you. Especially to those of you who stepped out of your comfort zone to send me a message, considering that we never really knew each other well in high school, or that we haven't spoken in several years..it's just so amazing and beyond humbling. 

And for my mom who let me (and continues to let me daily), call and ramble on for a half hour at a time or longer..thank you.  Thank you for knowing that there aren't any words that can tie this all up neatly with a bow, and for just listening to me and letting me sort things through totally unfiltered, even when I don't make any sense at all.  I love you so much and I am so thankful that you've been there when I need you. 

We have been moved beyond words by so many moments and mementos that we will always treasure:

Our pastor Dave, who came to the hospital at 6am on the day of Lily's birth, and stayed until 6pm that night...on the floor of the hospital room coloring with my girls.  I love this captured moment and everything it symbolizes to me.

A precious gift from our friend Jenn..a necklace personalized for Lily.  Such touching, unexpected acts of kindness.  I cherish this.

The most touching and beautiful framed art keepsake customized for Lilianna by our sweet friend Audrey, flanked by gorgeous "lilies and roses" from our church to honor our Lilianna Rose.

To Jay Jay Peterson, who offered her professional photography services free of charge through the organization, "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep"...wow!  It is absolutely amazing to me that these photos were taken from a hospital bed.  The way she captured our sweet girl and our tender moments with her was such a priceless gift. What an incredible way to use your God given talent.

For everyone who has been there for us, we just can't thank you enough.  Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the prayers, and for loving our family through this.  It has made all the difference.  We love you all.

Our story and precious photos.

Our family took over 500 pictures (and several videos!) of Lilianna while she was here with us.  I wanted to share a few for now, along with some of the details of our experience.  We are just so proud of our sweet girl.

Our entire family, including grandparents who flew in from Pennsylvania, got to be part of our special day.  I had a scheduled c-section, and they made an exception to the general rule that each patient can only have one person in the operating room with them.  Dale was beside me, and my momma got to sit right behind us.  Part of our birth plan was that the nurses would immediately hand Lily over to me without cleaning her or weighing her.  At that point we thought we had minutes (at most) with her, so it was extremely important to me that they wasted no time and put her in my arms right away.  I had prayed that God would give me just enough time to tell my baby girl how much I loved her.

August 12, 2011 at 11:52am...Mommy and Daddy telling Lilianna Rose how much we love her.

Praise God.

I love this picture, because while my momma was taking the photo for us, Dale was making a video recording for us.  It makes me smile to think about how precious her life was and how everyone wanted to capture every moment that they could.

I love her sweet little face and lips.  She had her daddy's perfect lips, just like both of her big sisters have.

The proudest Daddy.

From the operating room, we went to a private room where they brought our family and friends in to meet Lilianna and we were all able to celebrate her and love on her. This was treasured time for me, because Lily stayed curled up on my chest, and I knew that *she knew* I was her Mommy. 

Meeting her sisters. 

Kisses from Sophie.

At about this time, doctors started coming in and commenting on how "unexpected" (to say the least) it was for our courageous girl to be living and breathing on her own.  Because Lily did not have kidneys, I did not have amniotic fluid- which is essential to lung development.  We had been told that she would be gasping for air when she was born, but that was clearly not the case.  She was completely peaceful and content snuggled up with her Momma. They suggested an ultrasound to make sure that she did not have kidneys hiding in there that they had somehow missed.  When they couldn't locate kidneys via ultrasound, they suggested going a step further and getting a CT scan.  We never left her side through this process, because my greatest fear was that she would pass away while we were separated.  When the CT scan did not reveal kidneys, they really could not "explain" how it was that she was able to breathe so well or live so long without medical intervention.  Dale and I believe with all of our hearts that we were given something so beautiful, and it was nothing less than a gift from God. 

We decided to use our extra, unexpected time to give our baby girl her first bath.  She weighed in at 3 pounds and 6 ounces.

I love this photo, because we look like every new, proud set of parents showing off our perfect baby.  And I love remembering that that's exactly how we felt in that moment, too.

Lilianna and her bunny lovey.

Something I never expected to have the opportunity to do...feed Lily her first bottle. 

Cherished moments.

All snuggled up in her blankie.  She had black, wavy hair just like her Mommy.  

I struggle with how to end this entry, because it is still extremely painful for me to think back on our final moments with Lilianna and how she left us.  If I'm going to be honest, I will say that I'm just not in a place yet where I can find complete peace in all those details.  I can tell you that my comfort is knowing where she left us to go, and more importantly, Who she left us to be with.  And because of the hope we have in Jesus Christ, I know that we will be reunited someday.  In Christ, there are no goodbyes.  I can rest in that Truth, that not only has my baby girl been made whole and perfect, but she is so happy and SO loved and we will be together again soon.

I don't know that I can adequately express how honored I am that God chose me to carry this little girl, and to be a part of the story He wanted to tell through her.  Her "little" life has had such a BIG impact on so many.  We were able to spend over 14 hours with our daughter..kissing her, snuggling her, memorizing her features, treasuring every little noise we got to hear and every facial expression we got to see.  She was such a blessing.  My heart overflows with gratitude.

Lilianna Rose..my life will never be the same.  Thank you for fighting, brave girl. Your daddy and I will carry our memories of you in our hearts for the rest of our lives.  You were a precious gift and we thank God for you everyday.  We love you so much, and we will miss you every single day until the day when are together again.

A letter from Daddy.

Lilianna,



You were born at 3 pounds 6 ounces, and I want you to know that you are the strongest person I have ever met. Six months ago, your mother and I got the news that every parent fears the most. We learned that your time on earth would not be long, and that it would be a miracle if you were to make it full term- and if you did, we would only have moments to minutes with you. The days, weeks, and months went by with doctor after doctor simply amazed at how your heart continued to fight. On August 12th I was proud to announce the birth of my 3rd daughter, Lilianna Rose Walker, delivered full term. I am so proud of you. As the nurses brought you to us, your mother and I were prepared to say good-bye to you. What we didn't realize was being delivered full term was only Part 1 of God's plan. As the moments and minutes past, you laid comfortably in your mothers arm. The minutes turned into an hour and you got to meet your sisters and grand-parents. They love you so much. You lived for 14 and a half hours. Fourteen times the amount expected. Every doctor was telling us there was no explanation for how you could live this long. They were wrong. There is only one explanation. God opened the heavens and came down and breathed life into you, and you showed the strength of the Lord in every breath you took. I am so proud of you.



It breaks my heart that your mother and I will not be able to watch you grow up, watch you play with your sisters, or watch your grand-parents spoil you to no end. As I sit here and mourn, I find solace that on August 13th at 0230 you received the greatest gift of all. As you left this world in your mothers arms, you said hello to our Father in Heaven. You are free Lilianna Rose. By the grace of God you are free.



I will be with you soon baby. Until then, you can live in a hole in my heart and soul that will always be for you. I love you so much, this is not good-bye.




Love,

Daddy

Our Lily.

For anyone who has invested in my life and the life of my sweet girls over the years, I am writing this for you.  As a military family living so far from our hometown, I have become totally dependent on networking sites like Facebook to share the day to day life of our family with friends and family back home.  While Facebook does have its place, what I am about to share here would not make an appropriate "status update".  I have created this blog as a place to document a deeply personal journey that our family has been on the last several months.  Given the sensitive nature of what I'm about to discuss, I wanted to give people an option as to whether they choose to read or not.

As most of you know, Dale and I have been incredibly blessed.  We are the proudest parents of the two most treasured little girls...Isabella Lauren and Sophia Grace- the light and joy of our lives.  We had discussed having a third child eventually, but both of us were in full agreement that now was not the time, and we went out of our way to prevent an "unplanned" pregnancy.  Well, I was about 6 weeks along when I decided something was definitely not "right" with me.  I told Dale I felt like I could be pregnant.  "Impossible!" was his reply...after all, I had the IUD- 99.9% effective in preventing pregnancy..for up to 5 years!  I could not shake the feeling that something was very "off" about me, though, and Dale decided I should at least take a test.  The result was POSITIVE.  To say we were totally blown away would be an understatement.

We were reassured that although our situation was very uncommon, our "surprise" baby would be just fine.  We were nervous at the thought of the responsibility of being the parents to THREE little ones, but more than anything, we felt so blessed and excited.  I remember sitting on the porch just talking to Dale, and he looked at me and said, "This is such a good thing.  We always wanted a bigger family, but we were too scared to go for it.  Now we don't have to make the choice.  GOD made the decision for us."  And I remember I felt so much peace in that statement.  It's interesting to me looking back now that the overwhelming theme of this pregnancy right from the get go has been, "God is in control".  I quickly kicked into full mommy planning mode...envisioning my little trio of children dressed up in their coordinating ensembles.  The pictures I would take, the places we would go, the memories we would make as a family...

When we were 18 weeks along, I went in for a precautionary ultrasound to address a minor concern about the position of my placenta.  I was not overly concerned because I had the same issue when I was pregnant with Sophia, and it corrected itself on its own over time.  I went to the appointment alone, because children aren't permitted in the ultrasound room, and we weren't expecting anything out of the ordinary. 

The technician didn't say much during the ultrasound, but when it was over she said she needed the radiologist to look over some of her findings.  I figured it had something to do with the IUD, which was and is still in place, because it embedded itself into my uterus and they were unable to remove it without disrupting the pregnancy.  When the radiologist came in to speak with me, though, I could immediately tell that something was amiss.  I don't really remember what he said, but when he saw that his words shocked me, he began telling me he was so sorry, over and over again.  He had assumed that I already knew something was wrong.  I just stared at him so confused and literally could not process what he was telling me.  I ran out of the room  to call Dale and he came right away with the girls.  We met with my doctor who confirmed every expecting parents worst fear imaginable...there was something terribly wrong with our sweet baby. 

Our baby girl is missing kidneys.  This condition is known as bilateral renal agenesis.  We were told that the "prognosis isn't good"...a quick google search on this condition used harsher terminology...words like "fatal" and "terminal"...unable to survive outside the womb.  We were crushed.  It was such a devastating blow to me that I spent a few days in denial that it was really happening to us.  I was clinging to any hope that could alter the fate of our precious baby.  An appointment for a "second opinion" dashed those hopes as the doctor left no room for what he referred to as "false hope", which would not be beneficial to anyone involved.  He explained to us, gently but firmly, that our baby would certainly die..if not inside the womb before reaching term, shortly after birth.

There were choices to be made.  Choices?  Because of our faith, termination of this pregnancy has never been an option.  We have never felt like this life is ours to take, regardless of the odds against her survival.  God performs miracles everyday..although, we also fully (and agonizingly) realize that sometimes He chooses not to.  We have prayed for peace and acceptance of His will.  Because despite the questions and fears swirling around us, there are a few things that we can be sure of.  Our God is Sovereign.  We will likely NEVER understand why these things happen.  But we can put our trust in the God who does understand, and who works ALL things for good.  When darkness closes in, we can cling to that truth.  Our God is for us.  Our God loves us.  He is in complete control, and he chose Dale and I specifically to be the daddy and mommy of Lilianna Rose Walker.  Every single child is a blessing, and she is ours.  She is as much a part of us as Isabella and Sophia. 

We love her so much and we will always love her.  Our heart is broken that we will not have the years we planned on to express that love to her.  As her mother it cuts into the very deepest part of my heart.  I would have cherished her everyday..kissed her, cuddled her, adored her.  Nurtured all of her dreams and interests.  I would have poured my heart and soul into raising her.  My only peace is my belief that God's promises are TRUE.  That this life on earth is not the end of the story and we will be reunited with our babygirl again someday.

So where do we go from here?  We are taking this day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  This entire situation has exposed to us our desperate need for our Savior and we are running straight towards Him, asking Him to please lead us, help us, guide us, just be WITH us..because we are painfully aware that we cannot do this on our own. 

We would also like to thank everyone in our life who has taken part in this journey with us.  The overwhelming support we have received has humbled us to our core.  We have been so encouraged and lifted up in prayer and support.  The outpouring of love for Lilianna and our family has touched us so deeply.  Right now we are just asking for continued prayer over our family..prayer for peace, strength, and faith..and prayer that as a family we can hold on to truth and hope in the next few weeks and on the long road ahead of us.  We appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts.