It's almost been a year...

What a year. I can't believe that August is almost here! I have to admit, the impending anniversary of my sweet Lily girl is such a mixture of joy, and the deepest pains of grief and sorrow. I've been tossing and turning at night the last few weeks, with my heart going through such an intense emotional ringer.  The reality of it all can be so overwhelming.  It is almost as if, the more time that goes by, the more it hurts, because I realize with every passing day that this is real. This really happened. She was here, and she's gone, and she's never coming back. I will also admit that I have started (but deleted) many blogs over the course of the past few months. It is always so crucial to me to keep an eternal perspective, and to keep myself in check as far as the lens of which I'm sharing things..in all cases, that being a Christian lens. With my eyes ever fixed on Jesus. My sinful heart does not always want to cooperate with that, though, and that is when I know it's better to remain silent. Because if I have learned one thing in this past year, it is that my feelings can't be trusted. Feelings and emotions are fickle things that can lead us down dark paths dependant upon our current circumstances. The only things we can truly TRUST are the Word and promises of God, and that's a truth I am giving my life over to-- daily. Even when I'm kicking and screaming on the inside.

I was struggling with the "what ifs" last month. Would Lily be walking at 10 1/2 months like both of her big sissies did? Would her wavy, black hair be thick and curly by now? What color were her eyes to be..hazel like Mommy and Izzy's? Or blue like Daddy and Sophie's? What would the theme of her 1st birthday party be? The "what ifs" and "if only's" plagued me. And God gently brought me back to Psalm 139:

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

So the truth of the matter is that the "what ifs" and the "if only's" were not meant to exist. I was never meant to know or experience life with my baby girl. Because nothing happens outside of God's sovereign Hand, and Lily's 14 hours were ordained by the Most High God, Who does all things well and with a perfect purpose, in infinite wisdom and love. She was never meant to grow up here on earth with me..her brief time here was not a mistake, or an accident, or outside of the Lord's control. God had a greater plan for her life, one that I will not understand until I see things fully, face to face with Him. And for now that takes so much trust on my part, but by His grace alone, I am able to wake up each morning and give "trusting" a fresh start. By the end of the day, I am weary of trust, but faith is all I have.  I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning, and that I'm not expected to get by on the mercies of yesterday. It will never feel right to me, and it's not supposed to. It hurts so much, because we live in this fallen, broken world...and our hearts crave eternity because that's the way God designed us. But I believe with all that I am, that one day He will set all things right. I can grieve with HOPE. Thank you JESUS for that. Your grace is all over this, and my praise is my sacrifice to You in the midst of the heartbreak.

My Lily girl was made to be mine, but also made to be HIS. She is safe in the arms of Jesus, and someday I will go to her. Until then, the Lord is sustaining me day by day, and I can trust that all things are working together for my good and His glory. If "hope" was the theme of 2011, I can say that "trust" is the word for 2012. I am, by nature, one of the most fearful and apprehensive people you will ever meet, so I can tell you that this "trusting" is excruciating for me. But God is good, and He has remained so very faithful in my weakness.

So, as August 12th approaches, my heart is filled with a lot of aching. I ache because these last few weeks I am replaying and remembering the hardest day of my life, and also because, just a few months ago, on March 14th, we unexpectedly lost Lily's Grammy. Isabella and Sophia's Grammy. My mother in law. My husband's MOMMA. This was such a shock and such a blow, and it has come with yet more kicking and screaming on my part. The sense of LOSS we feel in our home truly cuts us in the most tender of places. She was our number one fan. Our personal cheerleader. The one who was always rooting for us, as a family...and making sure we knew it. She lived such a vibrant and radiant life..pouring her heart into her role as wife, mother, and grandmother. She was my inspiration as a homemaker, and the real life "Super Woman", who set the bar high for the women in her three son's lives, as they watched her "do it all", and do it with excellence..and not only that, but with her trademark smile and an energetic, cheerful spirit. The way she lived inspires me to be better, to live more passionately and to love more deeply. It is a sweet thought to imagine Grammy and Lily together right now, because there was nobody who made her love for my daughter more known to me than her Grammy. I spend some time every few days it seems, in tears over all of this. But choosing to believe, because I know it is true, that God is in this. And that He will never let me go, no matter how hard or painful this life gets. But when I send my balloons up to Lily on August 12th, there will be a special balloon for her Grammy, too..because I know in that moment they will be together, watching the balloons from heaven. God's promises are my hope and my peace.

My heart's desire is that August 12th will be a JOYOUS day...a day to celebrate my baby girl and to glorify the Lord who made her, the God who gives and takes away. It will be a day to remember and honor her memory, and a day of thanksgiving for the shed blood of Jesus, who made it possible by His work on the cross, for us to spend eternity in the presence of God. Lily's story points to Jesus, and I am so proud of her. I am so, so proud of my daughter, and the way her light shines as she makes her home with Him. And I am so thankful for the honor and calling of being Lily's mommy!  It would mean everything to us, for you to share in our celebrating on August 12th. And to keep our family in prayer, as we navigate through the grief. Especially for Dale, who will be releasing his balloon from Honduras, apart from the family who loves and misses him so much. Your prayers continue to bring us much comfort and we are so very grateful for the ongoing love and support.