For anyone who knows me well, you know that I am anything but "strong" on my own. I am one exceptionally weak, weary, and broken human being, often overwhelmed and shattered by the ups and downs of life. The fact that I am even still here standing after the loss of Lilianna is a testimony to the awesome strength and power of GOD alone. I tell you most emphatically, that apart from Christ, I am nothing. Anything I attempt to do on my own ultimately fails, and without relying on Jesus to direct my path, I will make a mess of things more quickly than I even know what to do. When I try to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, I fall flat on my face, every.single.time. And I confess this to you ever so humbly, as a person who has learned this the hard way, and has to relearn daily, that I can accomplish nothing on my own. The only strength in me is the Jesus in me, and the only thing that "I" will ever get right in this life is of no credit to "me", but rather to absolute and total reliance on Jesus Christ to lead me on. I'm not sitting in church every Sunday because I have it together. I am sitting there because I have absolutely nothing together, and I am utterly and totally desperate for Christ. My heart is broken, my hands are empty, and I have nothing to offer. I need to be there, because all of my heart and soul cries out for the one and only Healer and Comforter of this devestating pain. Please don't let me fool you. I have a knack for making things appear quite lovely and beautiful on the outside. But the Lord sees straight to my heart, and trust me, it's not a pretty sight. I am so broken. I am NOT strong. But I serve the STRONGEST God, and He is MIGHTY to SAVE. I cling to HIM, the CONQUERER of death, and what HE has accomplished. Then "I can do all this, through HIM who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). All the glory to the LORD alone, forever!
Lilianna Rose, I am missing you every single day, my sweet, sweet girl. Not an hour goes by that I don't remember you and cherish that memory. My heart still breaks a little bit when I hear someone speak your name. I still stop to touch your pictures when I pass them by, and sometimes even trace the outline of your sweet little face. And at times I feel like it hurts now more than ever, as I watch other people "moving on" with their lives. I still have dangerously irrational and paranoid bouts of emotion as I imagine that people will forget about your little (but BIG) life, or whenever I perceive someone or something as a threat to the truth that I so desperately cling to. You are SO INCREDIBLY LOVED by your mommy, Lilianna Rose! But all my trust is in the God of hope, Who holds you now, and Who holds my heart in His hands. That is how I put one foot in front of the other, walking by faith and HOPE in the Lord alone, the only thing I have to go by. I love you, my beautiful, precious daughter, and the One who made you, my perfect gift from heaven. Mommy misses you SO much! Praising God that I don't HAVE TO BE strong, because HE IS!
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Thank you for opening up your heart.
ReplyDeleteAw I can't wait to give you a BIG hug! You couldn't have said this any better. We do serve an awesome God and without him we are nothing!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely loved your post. I couldn't have said it any better myself. I understand exactly what you are feeling, being that I am healing from the same loss. I love your faith and your acknowledgement that your strength comes from the LORD. I, too, receive the same "compliments" from time to time, and although I do feel very strong and that I am doing quiet well, considering, I understand full-well that my strength comes from Him. For when I am weak, HE is STRONG. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are blessing others, Quinn, whether you intend to, or even want to. Keep letting your light shine, and continue to hold on to Him. I know the storm is still raging, but hold on.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. I can slightly relate having an early miscarriage years ago. When dave we will see our babies in heaven. Until then we can we weep with those who weep. Be strong and very courageous. God himself knows just what it is like.
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