Our Lily.

For anyone who has invested in my life and the life of my sweet girls over the years, I am writing this for you.  As a military family living so far from our hometown, I have become totally dependent on networking sites like Facebook to share the day to day life of our family with friends and family back home.  While Facebook does have its place, what I am about to share here would not make an appropriate "status update".  I have created this blog as a place to document a deeply personal journey that our family has been on the last several months.  Given the sensitive nature of what I'm about to discuss, I wanted to give people an option as to whether they choose to read or not.

As most of you know, Dale and I have been incredibly blessed.  We are the proudest parents of the two most treasured little girls...Isabella Lauren and Sophia Grace- the light and joy of our lives.  We had discussed having a third child eventually, but both of us were in full agreement that now was not the time, and we went out of our way to prevent an "unplanned" pregnancy.  Well, I was about 6 weeks along when I decided something was definitely not "right" with me.  I told Dale I felt like I could be pregnant.  "Impossible!" was his reply...after all, I had the IUD- 99.9% effective in preventing pregnancy..for up to 5 years!  I could not shake the feeling that something was very "off" about me, though, and Dale decided I should at least take a test.  The result was POSITIVE.  To say we were totally blown away would be an understatement.

We were reassured that although our situation was very uncommon, our "surprise" baby would be just fine.  We were nervous at the thought of the responsibility of being the parents to THREE little ones, but more than anything, we felt so blessed and excited.  I remember sitting on the porch just talking to Dale, and he looked at me and said, "This is such a good thing.  We always wanted a bigger family, but we were too scared to go for it.  Now we don't have to make the choice.  GOD made the decision for us."  And I remember I felt so much peace in that statement.  It's interesting to me looking back now that the overwhelming theme of this pregnancy right from the get go has been, "God is in control".  I quickly kicked into full mommy planning mode...envisioning my little trio of children dressed up in their coordinating ensembles.  The pictures I would take, the places we would go, the memories we would make as a family...

When we were 18 weeks along, I went in for a precautionary ultrasound to address a minor concern about the position of my placenta.  I was not overly concerned because I had the same issue when I was pregnant with Sophia, and it corrected itself on its own over time.  I went to the appointment alone, because children aren't permitted in the ultrasound room, and we weren't expecting anything out of the ordinary. 

The technician didn't say much during the ultrasound, but when it was over she said she needed the radiologist to look over some of her findings.  I figured it had something to do with the IUD, which was and is still in place, because it embedded itself into my uterus and they were unable to remove it without disrupting the pregnancy.  When the radiologist came in to speak with me, though, I could immediately tell that something was amiss.  I don't really remember what he said, but when he saw that his words shocked me, he began telling me he was so sorry, over and over again.  He had assumed that I already knew something was wrong.  I just stared at him so confused and literally could not process what he was telling me.  I ran out of the room  to call Dale and he came right away with the girls.  We met with my doctor who confirmed every expecting parents worst fear imaginable...there was something terribly wrong with our sweet baby. 

Our baby girl is missing kidneys.  This condition is known as bilateral renal agenesis.  We were told that the "prognosis isn't good"...a quick google search on this condition used harsher terminology...words like "fatal" and "terminal"...unable to survive outside the womb.  We were crushed.  It was such a devastating blow to me that I spent a few days in denial that it was really happening to us.  I was clinging to any hope that could alter the fate of our precious baby.  An appointment for a "second opinion" dashed those hopes as the doctor left no room for what he referred to as "false hope", which would not be beneficial to anyone involved.  He explained to us, gently but firmly, that our baby would certainly die..if not inside the womb before reaching term, shortly after birth.

There were choices to be made.  Choices?  Because of our faith, termination of this pregnancy has never been an option.  We have never felt like this life is ours to take, regardless of the odds against her survival.  God performs miracles everyday..although, we also fully (and agonizingly) realize that sometimes He chooses not to.  We have prayed for peace and acceptance of His will.  Because despite the questions and fears swirling around us, there are a few things that we can be sure of.  Our God is Sovereign.  We will likely NEVER understand why these things happen.  But we can put our trust in the God who does understand, and who works ALL things for good.  When darkness closes in, we can cling to that truth.  Our God is for us.  Our God loves us.  He is in complete control, and he chose Dale and I specifically to be the daddy and mommy of Lilianna Rose Walker.  Every single child is a blessing, and she is ours.  She is as much a part of us as Isabella and Sophia. 

We love her so much and we will always love her.  Our heart is broken that we will not have the years we planned on to express that love to her.  As her mother it cuts into the very deepest part of my heart.  I would have cherished her everyday..kissed her, cuddled her, adored her.  Nurtured all of her dreams and interests.  I would have poured my heart and soul into raising her.  My only peace is my belief that God's promises are TRUE.  That this life on earth is not the end of the story and we will be reunited with our babygirl again someday.

So where do we go from here?  We are taking this day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  This entire situation has exposed to us our desperate need for our Savior and we are running straight towards Him, asking Him to please lead us, help us, guide us, just be WITH us..because we are painfully aware that we cannot do this on our own. 

We would also like to thank everyone in our life who has taken part in this journey with us.  The overwhelming support we have received has humbled us to our core.  We have been so encouraged and lifted up in prayer and support.  The outpouring of love for Lilianna and our family has touched us so deeply.  Right now we are just asking for continued prayer over our family..prayer for peace, strength, and faith..and prayer that as a family we can hold on to truth and hope in the next few weeks and on the long road ahead of us.  We appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts.